Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
