maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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