dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
