You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize