life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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