This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
