tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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