if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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