The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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