We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize