Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
