I wish my penis had an off switch
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
