remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
