Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
