please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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