I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
