Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
