Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
