the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
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