Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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