I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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