70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
