Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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