I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
