Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
