He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
