if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
