My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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