after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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