Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize