She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
