I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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