I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
