Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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