a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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