Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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