I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
