is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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