I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
