Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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