9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
