I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
