Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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