I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize