my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
