...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
