i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize