Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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