I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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