everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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