what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
