well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
