my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
