Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
